You're Not Crazy

You are not crazy.

Special Education is complicated. You rely on the school and district to provide correct information and take care of you child's special needs. But, sometimes the school does not know the law or does not have sufficient resources and they misstate the special education rules or just plain lie. Whenever a principal, special education director, special education teacher, or general education teacher provides incorrect or misleading information, it prevents meaningful parental participation in the IEP process. We call this gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which one person attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in another person's mind. Typically, gaslighters seek to gain power and control over the other person, by telling them something true is not true, claiming they remember it incorrectly, distorting reality, and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

Common Gaslight Phrases:

We don't think you child needs _______ right now.
Let's just wait and see how they do.
An IEP is just for specific learning disabilities.
You (parents) never asked for an evaluation.
We don't have the resources for that right now.
The school is not responsible for your child's behavior at home.
A 1:1 aide is the most restrictive environment.
We must do RTI before starting an assessment for your child.
The OT will give the classroom teacher activities to do with your child.
We are a virtual school. We don't provide behavior support.
We are a charter school. We don't provide special education.
No other child at this school needs a resource class, so we don't provide it.
The data doesn't support the need for _________.
We don't need new assessments. We know he still qualifies.
We stand ready and able to provide special education to your child.
We don't put parent concerns in the IEP/Eligibility/Team Summary.
He has met his goals and no longer qualifies for an IEP.

Interesting Fact: The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which was later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

More Information

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More on Gaslighting

Observing the Classroom

If you are feeling nervous about what is happening in your child's classroom, schedule an observation!

Give the school 3-5 days notice and start with an hour or two at first.

Offer to volunteer to read with a student, sit with a group at centers, or read a story to the class.

Don't take notes on your first visit, and try to keep a neutral or pleasant face.

Remember, it is difficult to teach in front of parents. Laugh when something is funny. Say, "That's a good idea" or "How fun!" when you like something.

Encourage your child to follow the classroom routine, rather than snuggling or talking with you. Tell your child or others who approach you during learning time, "I'm here to watch you learn today! Go sit down."

An administrator may opt to observe when you observe. Try not to be intimidated.

Expert Observers

You can authorize a 3rd Party expert (ABA provider, Advocate, Psychologist) to observe your child in their classroom setting. Schools may be nervous about this request. Assure the school that other students' information will be kept private. Click here for a form to give a 3rd party permission to observe your child.